THE URBAN HAUNTED HOUSE
Because it is almost Halloween and we actually couldn’t help ourselves, we are proud to present to a BU original tall tale of…
THE URBAN HAUNTED HOUSE.
For the sake of drama and suspense, please know whenever you see a “BU” it is a stand in for a “BOO”, which everyone knows is a bone-chilling exclamatory. Your narrator is French and his thick dialect turns the bo͞o into BU. This is serendipitous and, very scary.
The ghost of Auguste Perret (TGAP): Bone-jour! Settle in. Grab a macaroon and prepare your goose for bumping, your skin for crawling, and your teeth for chattering. BU! MUAHAHAHAHAHA.
TGAP suggests macaroons because, despite his xenophobic tendencies and AD age, he keeps up with current events. His concern for trick-or-treated candy that has not undergone thorough parental inspection is palpable and with his ghosty hands, he is simply not fit for inspecting. Also, macaroons are delicious.
TGAP: I take you across the seas, to a land far, far away, King Seattle County. The year is 2015. The month is October. The time is irrelevant.
It is actually 8:38 PM Halloween night. Time is slightly relevant, TGAP fumbles on time zones so he skirts the details.
TGAP: I’m walking along a neighbor’s hood, watching the wee trick-or-treaters waddle-bounce from door to door collecting their treats and treasures. (to which their parents will later give a thorough inspection) From house to house they frolic, a ding, a dong, and another sugar dream in the sack. It warms my ghosty heart to see the rows of houses with their warm, eerie glows and cotton spider web decor, an invitation for ghosts, princesses, and ninja turtles alike. But, as I turn the corner… I’m stopped cold in my tracks!
TGAP: A house with no eerie glow, not even a spider’s web! A hollow feeling overcame me as stared into the face of an empty house, I checked myself to make sure I was still dead. I was. How could this be I thought. A BUtiful home, dark, webless, not a vampire or black swan in sight! As an accomplished architect of France, I thought it my ghostly duty to inspect the scene.
Turns out, TGAP designed the Théâtre des Champs-Elysées in 1913! And in 2007 (and again in 2009) famous Russian ballerina, Irina Kolesnikova, took the stage at the Théâtre des Champs-Elysées as Odette-Odile in Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake. “Not a black swan in sight” superficially comes across as a pop culture reference, for TGAP, it comes from a bitter FOMO as he’d been long dead in 2007 and for him, there will never be a black swan in sight.
TGAP: With shaky hands I sloooowlllyyy open the front door. NOT A CREAK! holy baguette this home must be haunted! I tip my toes across the hardwood floors.
TGAP: AGAIN! NOT A CREAK! NOT EVEN A CHILL! I look around desperately for an explanation. Aha! there it is, a nest. perfectly manipulating the temperature to my liking. This is no ordinary haunted house we’re dealing with, it has mind tricks. Despite the comfortable temperature and the creakless floors, I remain atop my tipped toes and bravely explore the kitchen.
TGAP: Hold on to your macaroons. I approach a cabinet and eeeever so slowly open the doors and…
muahahahaha! I’m joking, they were empty! And the only food in the whole place, a bowl of lemons on the counter, were fossilized and tasteless. Some sort of BUby trap. I must find the haunter of this home! Oh but of course! It is past supper time, even if that supper is lemon fossils, perhaps the haunter has turned in for the night… To the bed chamber!
TGAP: I reach the attic floor of bed chambers. There are many. Clearly another trick to throw me off. I inspect all of them thoroughly. Clean, fresh linens, made beds, not even a wrinkle of a sheet!! This monster doesn’t even sleep. A monster that makes not a creak, suffocating you in the silence and the cuts of your tipped toes. A monster that reads your mind and manipulates your temperature. A monster that eats fossils, doesn’t sleep, does not trick nor treat! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I tap into my ghost powers and throw myself through the walls landing prostrate on fresh landscaping of indigenous plants and a neighbor’s hood pumpkin.
TGAP’s fall was softened by the happy placement of the indigenous plants, either Goatsbeard or Tufted Hairgrass. His thick accent and elusive description prevented me from being sure. TGAP also consumed 43 raw pumpkin seeds and pocketed 18 more for later. Unfortunately, those 18 seeds promptly fell out of his ghosty pockets and piled back into the pumpkin smashed remains.
TGAP: After the incident, I swiftly returned to France were haunted houses creak and the spider’s webs are not of cotton but of spider’s web webbing. I think back on the time I visited the BU house that Halloween night, my toes still curl in to a tip and I shudder to think of the poor soul who next steps foot inside… BU!
As spooky as the tale of THE URBAN HAUNTED HOUSE is, sleep tight folks because its just not true. our Ambient project located in the Laurelhurst neighborhood of Seattle IS on the market and it looks wayyyy better in color. The ghost of Auguste Perret is back in France so we assure you, despite the season, Ambient is ghost-free.